I’m taking a career break. Kinda.
My first day as a full-time employee at Cisco is July 17, 2017. I remember the exact date because it was precisely one month after my undergrad graduation. Since then, I’ve worked diligently and accomplished a lot, especially in the past 3 years:
2021:
Combine software engineering + design as a professional career —> Became a UX Engineer
Get into an interdisciplinary graduate program at a top university —> Accepted and enrolled in M.S. Integrated Design, Business and Technology (IDBT) at USC
2022:
Get promoted to Senior —> Promoted to Senior UX Engineer
Speak at a tech conference —> Ioniconf 2022
2023:
Host a workshop at a major event —> HackDavis 2023
Adopt a dog —> Adopted Poppy
Get a graduate degree —> Graduated from my M.S. IDBT program (with straight A’s!)
Get married —> Married KW
I am overjoyed and so grateful to have achieved all of these, but I am also tired.
Fortunately for me, Cisco has a long-term (12-month minimum, 24-month maximum) leave of absence program. This leave is unpaid, but I retain my health benefits — which is a key benefit in the United States — and can resume working for Cisco provided I secure a position before my leave is up.
Even more fortunate, my manager fully supported my decision to take a break. After weeks of back-and-forth paperwork, I’ve been approved for a leave of absence from April 1, 2024, to June 1, 2025. (So, technically, it’s a 13-month break, but the last month is meant for me to try and get back to work at Cisco so I don’t count that last bit.)
As I write this, I’m only 5 work days away before my leave begins. A fog I didn’t know was there has started to lift.
Yes, I’m tired.
Yes, I need this break.
But most of all — more than travel, sleeping in, and a hobby that doesn’t involve screens — I need a new goal.
Before I continue, I want to acknowledge the incredible privilege displayed here.
I am completely and painfully aware that my ability to wax poetic about North Stars and go without income for a year is impossible for most people. It can seem shallow and tone-deaf amidst the suffering in Gaza, the dozens of company layoffs, and a society still trying to recover from a global pandemic that claimed millions of lives.
I make no excuses for myself and do not expect you to excuse me.
All I want is to share this story because I feel compelled to. I will not kid myself into thinking this is ultimately in the service of others, that in my sharing I hope someone in a similar struggle will find solace. No, I know this is a selfish act, and I admit it.
I am writing this because I want to, and that is reason enough for me.
— A text I sent my sister
Depending on your current phase of life, you’ll think this line of thinking is either cute or problematic, considering I felt this as a 28-year-old.
Me? I think it’s hilarious that this was how I started telling my older sister about how I would use my one-year break to research, prepare, and apply to Ph.D. programs because I think a grueling five-, sometimes six-, year commitment is precisely the next thing to chase after a seven-year software engineering career.
I’ll say that again because I can’t believe the ridiculousness either.
I have decided to use my once-in-a-lifetime break to work on a demanding and difficult goal (to be accepted into a Ph.D. program) resulting in an even more demanding and difficult journey (as a Ph.D. student).
I am never going to beat those workaholic allegations.
If you’d like to read about how I got to this point, please open the accordion below. Otherwise, feel free to skip it. (Tl;dr: I’ve been chasing the same dream since 2013 and it’s time for something new.)
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In 2013, I was a high school senior who naively wanted to be Angela Montenegro (yes, the fictional character from the TV series, “Bones”): equal parts computer science genius and artist, always leading with her heart, and impeccably dressed.
While most of my peers chose to major in Computer Science because they have been coding since their Neopets days, I chose it because I saw it on TV. Did I code before college? No. Did I know anything about computer science outside of the fictional programs Angela created? No. Was I convinced I chose the right major? Absolutely.
How did it turn out for me? Bad, and then really good.
Most of my computer science class grades were B’s and C’s, but not for lack of trying. I tried incredibly hard. I went to lectures, discussions, and office hours. I poured hours into coding assignments and studying for exams. I stayed up late and woke up early to do it all over again, day in and out, for all four years.
When I understood the theory, I struggled to finish the coding assignments. When I breezed through coding assignments, I couldn’t wrap my head around the theory. None of my classes ever felt easy, and I found myself crying a lot. (It didn’t help that I couldn’t find community in computer science and that I juggled multiple time-intensive extracurriculars, but those are stories for another day.)
I was advised multiple times to seek a different major or path forward, but I was stubborn. I believed the vision I had of myself as an interdisciplinary software engineer so strongly that quitting didn’t feel like an option. I persevered and graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Computer Science and multiple full-time position offers.
As it turns out, industry work was more my speed.
At Cisco, I rotated through four roles, won a regional hackathon, contributed to multimillion-dollar architecture solutioning, defined the UX Engineer role, started an org-wide accessibility initiative, and was promoted to Senior just in time to meet my naive five-year plan.
More importantly, I was living the interdisciplinary software engineer life I had wanted. It was great to be so accomplished at such a young age, but then I had to answer a small but mighty question: “What’s next?”
The idea of becoming a professor entered my mind. (Most definitely while I was watching one of my brother’s Ph.D. life vlogs.) But there were two huge obstacles: (1) my not-great undergrad grades and (2) my lack of research experience.
I truly thought that dream was over until my brother offhandedly mentioned he might stop at his Master’s degree because he can teach at certain institutions with that.
The dream can continue, hurrah!
I applied for and was accepted into USC’s Master of Science in Integrated Design, Business and Technology program.
The curriculum was a great introduction to a whole lot of new things and a bunch of amazing people. But I was always torn between work, school, and life. I had code releases, weekly readings, wedding planning, group meetings, design reviews, pull requests, dog fostering, et cetera, et cetera.
I was so busy just trying to finish my tasks that I didn’t realize they weren’t fulfilling my actual desires.
With my career break looming, I feel inexplicable freedom. With no responsibilities to school or work, everything feels possible. Everything, including a Ph.D.
I know this may seem foolish, especially when I have little to no experience with research. But just like how computer science felt right despite having no history with it, the Ph.D. path feels like the right next chapter for me.
I can see myself as a professor so clearly that I have no choice but to see it through. I feel like I owe it to myself to explore this possibility and give it my best.
So here we are, five days away from a one-year career break and about five months from when Ph.D. applications start to open.
What am I going to do next? Well, what I think an industry professional with not-great undergrad grades and zero research experience should do:
Ask a bunch of questions. To Google, Ph.D. students and candidates, professors, and career counselors. Heck, even ChatGPT.
Read. A lot. Publications, books, blogs, and any resource with insights into research areas and the Ph.D. journey.
Somehow get research experience.
Rest. After all, this is still a break. :)
All while doing my best not to succumb to the part of me that is afraid I am barreling down towards failure because I do not fit the typical Ph.D. student profile.
Wish me luck!
“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.”
