Doing all the things: HCI research! NSF CSGrad4US Fellowship! Actual rest!
I blinked and April turned to almost-October. Since my last blog post, I:
Met Dr. Kai Lukoff and joined his Human-Computer Interaction Lab at Santa Clara University
I’m part of the FocusMode project, which studies how humans experience adaptible and adaptive interfaces. I contribute to this research through study design and UI/UX feedback. (Dr. Lukoff has been so supportive in enabling me to practice non-coding skills in preparation for my next chapter.)
Submitted my NSF Computer and Information Science and Engineering Graduate Fellowship Program (CSGrad4US) application
With a lot of help and morale support from family and friends 💖
In July, I was awarded the Fellowship!! 😭✨✨
The mentorship program started this month, and already I have benefited so much. I’m so fortunate to be guided by Dr. Colin M. Gray through my programs search, worries, and applications.
Attended my sister’s LLM graduation at Georgetown (#GoHoyas!)
Sang my heart out during my karaoke birthday party, surrounded by love and a delicious potluck
Traveled to Japan (specifically: Sapporo, Noboribetsu, Furano, Biei, Otaru, Hakone, and Tokyo) with one of my closest friends
Despite Typhoon Shanshan, luggage delivery was smooth and we got to go on the elusive Hakone Ropeway!!
This was also my longest international travel to date (16 days), and it included an indulgent 3-night stay at a ryokan with kaiseki breakfasts and dinners. We highly recommend Hakone Suimeisou!
Because it was such a long trip, I was able to really practice my Japanese speaking and listening skills. I actually received “発音が日本人っぽいですね!” (“Your pronounciation is like a Japanese person’s!”) instead of “日本語は上手ですね” (Nihongo was jouzu desu ne / “Your Japanese is good”, which is stereotypically regarded as a patronizing compliment)
Made significant progress in therapy
Truly rested, instead of my stress-ridden version of “rest,” which pressured me into “doing it right” by resuming several hobbies, traveling a lot, and “fixing” my life. Yep, significant progress in therapy
At some point during my 7-year career, I developed the need to squeeze productivity out of every second of every day. It took a couple of months to come down from those very high expectations. It took another couple of months to start identifying which expectations were mine and which were the product of a society that benefits from the physical, mental, and emotional sacrifices of the everyday person.
However, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m “cured” from burnout. In fact, I’ve come to the realization that “burnout” is a more than just feeling lethargic, unmotivated, and exhausted. Burning is an extremely a painful experience, and burning out is to burn—to be enflamed, to hurt—continuously until there is nothing left to burn. The fact that I felt this way at 27 years old haunts me, especially since I know so many of my peers feel the same way.
This depressing thought put me in a spiral for a couple of weeks until I suddenly thought about Chaparral’s natural fires and how it is a necessary part of that ecosystem.* Maybe my burning out is a natural fire that had to occur for me to become more resilient in the face of new challenges and environments.
I think about this metaphor a lot now, because it gives me comfort and reminds me to be patient with myself. After all, a forest doesn’t grow overnight. ;)
* There is not a world in which I would ever, ever, romanticize the unnatural forest fires. I am purely speaking about the natural fires that occur at intervals that the Chaparral ecosystem has adapted to. I am not referring to the unnatural pace and frequency of these fires, that even Chaparral cannot adapt to.
